Shock

Tank's birth father was killed this past week. I can hardly even believe it. I was notified by a few different birth family members just days after it had happened. When I originally got the news I was driving in my car. I nearly had to pull over because I was crying so hard. I couldn't understand why it affected me so much. I was in disbelief and couldn't believe that it was over just like that.

After my last post I think it is apparent that I hoped for a someday reunion for Tank and his birth father. In some ways I had hoped that he would turn his life around and really do something with himself. That someday he would tell our Tank how sorry he was and tell him to be a good man. A good father.

I think I just wanted that opportunity.

And now that has been taken away. Forever.

The details are a bit grey but essentially he was shot multiple times - no suspects, no cause - no other information. I think it is obvious that he was in the wrong place at the wrong time... but I would say that was typical for him from what I have been told. It is so sad.

I am sorry that we now have to share this awful tradgedy with Tank when he is older. All I can do is pray that his birth mother does not meet the same fate. I pray that she changes her life. Does not hold on to bitterness and can stand up for herself and rise above her situation. I can't imagine losing her as well. I want our Tank to have a link to his past.

Yep, total shock.

"He's Home"

My heart just about melted as our CPS case worker said those words on her visit this week.

"He's home." "Do you realize that? He is home."

It is not lost on me. We entered this foster care arena with the thought that eventually we would adopt. It was not the end all be all of why we were doing it... but in time as I fell in love with child after child I realized that I really did want the relationship to last forever. I still mourn the loss of the little ones that have left us. Especially Little Miss and Little Dude. Their pictures still hang in our home. As if taking them down would be admitting that they are gone. Sigh... but not this one.

This one is a keeper. And not just because he is the first one to become available. But because he is our son. We love him. Can't imagine our lives without him.

This week his father's rights and those of any John Doe's - since the paternity could never be established - were terminated. I mourn for the loss of the relationship he could have had with his son. Or rather that our Tank could have had with him. Not really the every day parenting stuff - but he will never know who he is. Because we don't. We have a name and one picture. A few memories from birth mom - not all of them positive. I feel sad for the boy who will grow up with wonder.

We are accepting of open adoption. In Tank's case it will end up to be more semi-open due to safety issues. With his birth mother we are doing our part to continue and involve her in his life. We even have a birthday visit set up for later this month. We want him to grow up knowing how much we love him. We also want him to grow up knowing who he is, where he came from -- so that he doesn't have those questions and wonders what would have been. Foster care adoption isn't as pretty as domestic adoption - at least from my perspective. I can't tell him that his birth mother loved him so much but knew that she couldn't give him everything so chose us as his family. That isn't how it all happened. Sure, sure we'll rose color it as much as possible while he is young. As he grows up he'll become more aware of why CPS is involved in a family's life. Why a child is taken. And ultimately why they don't go home. I can't hide that from him. What I can do is show him everything good that is in his past and let him see for himself.

We are in love with this child.

Adoption is still a ways off since paperwork seems to take forever. We are hopeful that it will happen before the twins arrive. And if not -- just two more members of the family at the adoption ceremony.

My Answer

So I did finally email grandma back. I took advise from all of you and put it together with some of my own thoughts.

I assured her that Tank means so much to us.

That we are happy to have him in our home.

That she is a wonderful grandma and of course is important in his life.

That I don't know anything...

or at least anything I can share. I explained a little bit of the confidentiality stuff.

I told her that there was a hearing at the end of this month.

I told her that if she needed to know more that she or mom need to call the case worker.

She emailed back thanking me for the updates and how good we have been to him. I really do think she wants us to adopt him. For the simple reason probably that I am being open  and that she has met me.

Hopefully we are smooth sailing... towards adoption. Who knows with this foster care stuff though...

Loss of Words

I got an email today from Tank's birth grandmother. We email often so that isn't really the surprise.

The surprise is that she stated that "they know" that Tank will not be returned to the birth mom and they want to know what our plans are (whether or not we are adopting him) and what the process is from here on out.

What do I say?!

Suggestions?! Pretty please.

Court this past week

So Court went as expected and the Judge agreed with CPS that Little Dude should return home. I was not surprised with the result. Honestly, it was a relief. I was afraid that the case would be continued yet again. More bonding time for me only to lose this babe who really need to be with his permanent family.

Even though the outcome was expected it was still upsetting. It was so final. This really was it. Goodbye. So I quickly walked out of the Court room and didn't say much to anyone. Got in the elevator and walked out of the building. I was almost in the parking lot as I heard my name being yelled. It was Little Dude's Mom. She was running out of the building trying to catch up with me. I had told myself I wouldn't cry until I got in my car but in that moment I couldn't hold it in any longer. She came to me and gave me a huge hug. She thanked me for all that I had done for her son. She said she was sorry and hoped that we could keep in touch. She had tears falling down her cheeks too.

I have never had an experience like this with a birth parent ever. Most birth families are pretty nice. Some are upset and given the situation blame you. She was grateful. Loving. Concerned. I think I might even visit her in her in patient rehab program. She needs positive people in her life and I can do that. Plus she can fill me in on how our boy is doing. She told me she would tell him someday how much I loved him.

My heart warmed.

As for the birth father. I am still working on that one. He didn't talk to me much at Court. He only said "Thanks" when I handed the babe over on Thursday. Yep. One word. My tears and silent crying probably made him nervous. So I don't completely blame him. When I mentioned that I would like to go to Little Dude's birthday party (which should be coming up in a few months) he just said a non-commital 'oh yeah alright' I won't hold my breath. In time I hope that he can see me as a support. Someone in the baby's life that will always be there for him....